For most of my young adult life, I had no idea what I wanted to do. I wandered around from opportunity to opportunity knowing it wasn’t quite what I wanted.

I’ve always believed in the idea of a vocation. Maybe that has to do with my Whitworth education or my passion for ministry. But no matter what I did, I just didn’t feel I was doing exactly what I was meant to do.

And then I had Eleanor Joy and it changed my entire world. Becoming a mother was ridiculously hard and beautiful and I quickly learned that I had no idea what I was doing – but I was doing, for the first time ever, exactly what I was meant to do.

My faith quickly changed from the spiritual (prayer, meditation, scripture reading) to almost exclusively physical. When I nursed Eleanor, I was reminded that my body was created to feed her, to care for her. In the beginning, it took me a while to adjust to this new phase – I was almost frustrated because all I did was care for this baby who is completely dependent on me and somehow it still didn’t feel like I was doing “enough.”

My whole life had been about producing, doing, going harder, signing up for more things. That’s how I felt good about myself or accomplished or something. And then my day was filled with nursing, changing diapers and just simply being with my daughter. I wish I would have just enjoyed that sweet, short time of my life.

But I slowly learned a very different side of Jesus than I ever had before. The simple, nurturing, loving side. I was created to do this. The part that says, be quiet and hear so much more than you do in the noise of the day and most importantly, trust that you are where you are supposed to be.

It was a reminder that I am not what I do – even with Eleanor. But that I just am – created in love as the beloved.

It was a reminder that I am not what I do – even with Eleanor. But that I just am – created in love as the beloved. That just because I am, I am so much more to Jesus. When we are able to believe that we are the beloved, without doing anything, we will be able to create amazing things because our identity is not in what we do. I am a mother and a wife and a friend and a doula but that is not even the beginning of my identity – most importantly I am loved.